know-your-paradoxes:

• Just a Drifter – Ian (hates the town, only was there because of a mix up)
• Bartender – Caddy (the most prominently accented of them all, goofy, gives the best stink eye of the entire game, “i don’t approve, you understand”)
• Evil Ebb’s Littlest Brother – Josh (makes the most sense i guess)
• Old Timer – Jirard (loves animals, kindly to the stranger)
• Store Guy Selling Beans – Wallid (420 baked beans to collect, did it for the meme)
• The Sheriff – Satch
• Clint Eastwood lookin’ ass – Luke (hottest character in the game, mysterious, still very attractive, i’m)
• Funeral Director – Mai (she’s probably morbid enough)
• Mary Lou at the Top of the Stairs – Hana (idk, Ian and Hana only end up talking about boys though)
• Guy Throwing Swords for No Reason – Mimi Santos
• Nasty Ned – Nick
• Zippy Zeke – PBG
• Crafty Clint – Paul
• The Minister that Ascends to Heaven – Dr. McPasta
• Wildcard McVee, the most attractive of the bandits – Shane (oh no, it went right through the waistcoat)
• Massive Jake – Jimmy
• Bad Bart – Jeff
• Evil Ebb – Jared
• The Old Dude That Has the Watch With Some Random Lady In It – Hana’s Dad
• The Random Lady that Resides in Said Watch – Hana’s Mom
• The Spider – Jon (because fuck that guy)