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- Just a Drifter – Ian (hates the town, only was there because of a mix up)
- Bartender – Caddy (the most prominently accented of them all, goofy, gives the best stink eye of the entire game, “i don’t approve, you understand”)
- Evil Ebb’s Littlest Brother – Josh (makes the most sense i guess)
- Old Timer – Jirard (loves animals, kindly to the stranger)
- Store Guy Selling Beans – Wallid (420 baked beans to collect, did it for the meme)
- The Sheriff – Satch
- Clint Eastwood lookin’ ass – Luke (hottest character in the game, mysterious, still very attractive, i’m)
- Funeral Director – Mai (she’s probably morbid enough)
- Mary Lou at the Top of the Stairs – Hana (idk, Ian and Hana only end up talking about boys though)
- Guy Throwing Swords for No Reason – Mimi Santos
- Nasty Ned – Nick
- Zippy Zeke – PBG
- Crafty Clint – Paul
- The Minister that Ascends to Heaven – Dr. McPasta
- Wildcard McVee, the most attractive of the bandits – Shane (oh no, it went right through the waistcoat)
- Massive Jake – Jimmy
- Bad Bart – Jeff
- Evil Ebb – Jared
- The Old Dude That Has the Watch With Some Random Lady In It – Hana’s Dad
- The Random Lady that Resides in Said Watch – Hana’s Mom
The Spider – Jon (because fuck that guy)